Really, I love all the seasons. I love the change, the newness, the hope that is easier to feel, the weather, etc. You could say I am adaptable, and I am, but there is a predictability to the change because I expect it and want it. I think I just need change sometimes. It gets me out of a rut and moves me into the more that I desire.
But there is something about fall. The crisp mornings and warm afternoons. The bright blue sky. The crunch of leaves under my feet. Apples. Pumpkins. Mums, oh how I love mums. Decorating for the season. Baking lovely smelling loaves and muffins that fill me with joy. It is a generous season, one that people are thinking about others a little more. Or at least that is the way I want to live in this season.
But, this time last year was one of the hardest seasons. You can read about it here. It was hard. And a year later, it is hard to avoid the thoughts of "what could have been". It was a hard Fall season. But there were good things in it, too. My sweet class of 16 four year olds that greeted me every day made it a lot easier. Our church family, boy do I love them, and they have loved us fiercely through it all.
And now, this fall season does not seem any easier than last fall. Actually, it is hard to see the hope some days. And not just with infertility, though that is always there, every day. My health has been something of concern this summer. What I thought was just a pinched nerve or inflamed muscles in my back that was causing my hands and arms to be numb...well, that has turned out to look more like MS (Multiple Sclerosis). My doctor has not diagnosed me yet, but he is testing for it in every way possible. I feel like a lab rat most days. I have 3 more weeks of testing and labs before the final diagnosis will take place. And y'all, the waiting is so hard. The unknown is terrible. And reading about it on the internet....well, you can just forget feeling normal after all of that mess! I feel ok most days, I feel like I can do this and can live a somewhat normal life through this. Right now the only symptom I have is numbness in my hands, which is not debilitating right now and I can do just about everything I could do before July (when the symptoms started). Some days are harder than others. Some days I am really tired. I am longing for some good news, y'all. Something that will make this season a little lighter, a little less hard, a little more joyful.
Our pastor has us thinking about a few things this week. He challenged all of us in our small group (or we call it a Huddle) to think about how we process things. So I decided to share how I am processing all of this here. He gave us this diagram called a Learning Circle (from 3DM ministry):
A kairos is a moment in time appointed by God. A moment where you know God is speaking and moving us to action. So, the learning circle is a way to process a kairos moment. We have been asked to process something in our life through the learning circle. So, my kairos moment is deciphering what God is saying through all of this. But also knowing I have to TALK to people about it. I have to share what is going on in my life. I cannot just act like everything is ok, but I have to share how I am really doing.
Plan: How will I respond?
I have been called to share my life with others. Through discipleship, through relationships. I do not have to be afraid of sharing my weaknesses. When I am weak, He makes me strong. I will share with people (even people here on my blog), because sharing life is important. It is what makes us real, human, accountable. I need other people, too. I really need people to surround me, give me encouragement, and listen to me. I can receive from others. I will receive from others.
So, there it is. How I am really dealing. I don't want to be dealing with this, but it is part of life right now. I am so thankful for the family and friends how have supported me in this season. The cards in the mail and the sweet text messages brighten my day. I know the more I share, the more healing will happen. Healing for my heart and prayerfully for my body, as well. I am praying for restored hope in this season.