And at the same time, I know the Lord wanted me to post that process yesterday. He knew I would need the extra encouragement. He just knows these things, y'all. He knew I would get a phone call from my doctor yesterday morning. Just 2 hours after my post went live. Some people don't share this much. But, for me, I have to.
I had my last MRI yesterday (which is a praise in itself...being in that tube/tunnel 5 times in the past month is pretty awful and definitely not my favorite thing in the world) and my doctor called me a little while later to let me know the lesions in my brain, the spinal fluid from my lumbar puncture 2.5 weeks ago, blood work, etc all concluded that I do, in fact, have MS. I still have a few more tests...but from what they know right now, this is MS. And y'all, that just stinks. Plain and simple, it has been a rough 24 hours sifting through my emotions. I think I knew this was coming...in the back of my mind I had a feeling this was it...I just didn't want it to be so badly.
Some of my first thoughts have been:
Could I have prevented this somehow? I don't think so...but it's just a thought I have had.
I don't really want to have a debilitating disease for the rest of my life.
I don't really want to be on medication for the rest of my life.
How bad will it be? How often will I have flare ups?
Can we still have children? I mean, I think so, but will this make things even harder than they have been?
I just want to be able to do what I love to do. I don't want to be held back by anything.
And, I am just flat out disappointed. I feel like we have gone through so much in our almost 3 years of marriage. This is just another thing to add to the list of many things we have struggled through. I need some hope. Some light at the end of the tunnel. Some good news. I just need something to look forward to.
What I do know:
This stinks! Like really bad.
I am surrounded by the best people. Seriously, y'all ROCK.
I know God knew this was going to happen. He is aware of my heart, my needs, my emotions, my healing. I know He still loves me.
I need to keep surrounding myself with people. I know enough about myself to know isolation is NOT good for me. But I also don't want to do too much and be too tired. Such a balance and a struggle!
I have another test tomorrow to make sure my optical nerve is not damaged.
I have an appt with my doctor in a week to discuss plans for medication, further steps, etc.
So, for now, I need encouragement and your prayers for me and the engineer. I need people to listen and not throw medical jargon at me. I need to just be able to be me. I don't want MS to define me. I don't want every conversation to be about this. I want to share, but don't want it to be all that I talk about.
My sweet friend sent this card to me today with this beautiful verse in it...clinging to this today:
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.So, I guess we will get close to the fire...but it will not consume me. And, again, I am not alone. Thank you for hearing me. Thank you for walking this road with me.